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How to Stay Stressed

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Are you worried about how to stay stressed?  You'll have no trouble if you practice the following clinically proven methods:

 NEVER EXERCISE.  Exercise wastes a lot of time that could be spent worrying.

 

 EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT.  Hey, if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your system, a balanced diet isn't likely to.

 

 GAIN WEIGHT.  Work hard at staying at least 25 pounds over your recommended weight.

 

 TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS.  The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar, and cola will continue to do the job just fine.

 

 AVOID SELF-CARE PRACTICES.  Ignore the evidence suggesting that meditation, yoga, deep breathing, and/or mental imaging help to reduce stress. 

 

 GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL SUPPORT SYSTEM.  Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that concern yourself with friendships only if you have time, and you never have time.  If a few people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.

 

 PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM.  Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work, family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal attack.  Don't take time to listen, be offended, then return the attack!

 

 THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR.  Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and it shouldn't be treated as one.

 

 DO EVERYTHING YOURSELF.  Never ever ask for help, and if you want it done right, do it yourself!

 

 BECOME A WORKAHOLIC.  Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home evenings and weekends.  Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies.

 

 DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS.  Schedule in more activities every day than you can possibly get done and then worry about it all whenever you get a chance.

 

 PROCRASTINATE.  Putting things off to the last second always produces a marvelous amount of stress.

 

 WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T CONTROL.  Worry about the stock market, earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age, you know, all the big issues.

 

 BECOME NOT ONLY A PERFECTIONIST BUT SET IMPOSSIBLY HIGH STANDARDS...and either beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed, discouraged, and/or inadequate when you don't meet them."

 

 Source:  Stanford University, DeAnza Health Center

 

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